When in doubt...

Hooves dug deep into the dirt. Kayleigh was in a hurry, she didn't make it easy for her stallion. He was used to it, though. Kayleigh Amell had a habit of being late all the time, she was in a hurry for the most part of her life. Who would had ever thought that she would become a Commander of the Grey Wardens?

She left the stallion at the Amaranthine stables and rushed into the city. She shouldn't be wasting time time here, not now. They were still looking into this Architect matter. A talking darkspawn... she wouldn't believe it, if she hadn't seen it with her own eyes. And it outsmarted her! All of them. It was almost embarrassing. But not as embarrassing as what she wanted to do now. Or more like, what she wanted to talk about.

Wynne was still in the chantry, getting ready for her journey. She was going to attend the meeting of the College of Magi in Cumberland. There were some talks about separating the Circle from the Chantry. Kayleigh didn't approve of this idea. She was a free mage now, of course, and liked her freedom, but some mages shouldn't be granted this privilege. They were dangerous, it was a fact. The Circle was needed, to train and discipline, but it also should change. It was no secret that the mages were treated awfully, and weren't trusted even after passing their Harrowing. But she wasn't to say anything in Cumberland. They didn't invite her, and it was a direct blow to her honour. As the Commander of the Grey in Ferelden, a free mage and a hero she should had been invited. But no. Nobody had thought about her. That was preposterous! And she was needed there. Those Libertarians were going completely crazy. Kayleigh had been always loyal to the Circle, so loyal that she even cringes at the sole thought. Always a great student, teachers' pet. During the Blight however she became more cynical when it came to the Circle. Discovering the whole new world outside the Tower made her re-evaluate her views. She saw the need for a change, but not as radical as complete independence.

But it wasn't the time for sulking about such silly things as the fate of all mages on Thedas. Kayleigh swung the doors of the chantry open, beads of sweat forming on her brow. There was a lot of stairs on the way and she was running for most of the time. Why would anyone built so many stairs?

“My dear, you look... distressing.” Wynne approached the young woman who still breathing heavily.

Kayleigh leaned on the wall, face getting redder with every passing second. Her chest was burning. Oh, how she despised any physical activities!

“I hope I...” She paused trying to catch her breath. “I hope... I won't... stall you... but...” She took a deep breath. “I have to talk to you... about something.”

“Firstly, you have to sit down,” Wynne said, taking Kayleigh by her elbow and sat her down at the aisle. “So, what is it you want to discuss?” she asked after a few moments.

Kayleigh bit her lower lip. How should she start? It was more difficult than she had previously assumed. None of the words sounded right in her mind, and now doubt was slowly growing within her. She wasn't sure if the question she was about to ask had even a right to be asked. Maybe it wasn't a good idea. She shouldn't had even thought about all of this.

It was always like this. She acted rashly, without thinking, and then had to deal with it.

“Kayleigh?” Wynne looked worried.

The young woman took another deep breath. “Yes, well...” She obviously hesitated, but finally blurted out: “How long you're supposed to mourn someone?”

The worried expression on Wynne's face changed into an understanding one.

“Ah, you're talking about Alistair, don't you?”

“Well, not about the Archdemon, that's for sure...” Kayleigh muttered in response.

Wynne chuckled.

“I am glad that you're feeling better now, my friend,” the old woman said smiling warmly.

It had been a couple of months since the battle of Denerim, since their great success and Alistair's heroic death. Back then, Kayleigh didn't feel as ecstatic as the rest of Ferelden about the victory. It all seemed so bleak... She just kept remembering those tender moments with the man she loved, their plans for the “after all of this”, and that they will never be fulfilled. She had become a husk of herself, stayed at Soldier's Peak for days, doing nothing. Her companions tried to help her, but they had their own lives to live. Wynne stayed for the longest time, it was her who forced Kayleigh to accept the position of the Commander of the Grey, hoping it would help her find other things to live for. And she was right.

Coming back to people was hurtful. They were tormenting her with their looks full of awe. They were idolizing her, called the Hero of Ferelden. But she felt as if she didn't do anything, it wasn't her who killed the Archdemon and sacrificing herself in the process. It was Alistair, and no one spoke of him. It was him who should had been glorified, not her. It took her time to understand that people just needed a living proof, a symbol, that the evil can be defeated. And she just had to accept this role they gave her. It wasn't long until people started to hate her, anyway. The nobles especially. A mage was put in charge of the arling. A mage who killed the previous arl. A mage who had no idea what she was doing and had to ask the seneschal stupid questions all the time. She was still learning the ropes.

“It still hurts, but less now. I think it will hurt... and won't stop,” Kayleigh started talking after a moment of silence. “I just don't know... if I can ever move on. I mean, both of us knew that death was a possibility... but it didn't matter back then. You kept telling us that we will get hurt, break each other's hearts. He broke mine, but I still don't want to break his. What if I moved on he would feel betrayed?”

“You found someone you want to move on, didn't you?”

Kayleigh lowered her eyes, her fingers entwined.

“Yeah... I think I did,” she whispered.

“I cannot tell you if when you can move on. I only know, that Alistair would like you to be happy, even without him. He wouldn't want you be miserable as you were a few month ago. It would actually break his heart, that he is the reason of your suffering.”

Kayleigh's eyes widened looking at Wynne. “You really think so?”

“I do.” The older woman chuckled. “I can tell that the time in Vigil's Keep helped you.”

“Then... then...” Kayleigh clenched her fists. “Then, when I'll be sure about my feelings, I'll move on.” She stood up, determination on her face.

“May I ask... who is on your mind now?” Wynne asked arching an eyebrow.

“If you knew, you would take back your words,” Kayleigh admitted smiling a little embarrassed. “Well, I won't delay you any longer...”

“It's no trouble, my friend, but...”

“Bye, Wynne, it was great to see you again! Don't forget to stop by the Vigil's Keep, when you have time.” Kayleigh waved and walked away as fast and natural, as she could. So, kind of fast, and very unnatural. She left the chantry and run down the stairs, not to run away, because she knew that Wynne wouldn't chase after her. She probably just gave a heavy sigh and came back to her tasks.

Kayleigh just wanted to come back to the Keep.

Wynne would get angry if she knew... Well, not angry, concerned more like. They weren't especially close back in the Circle, Kayleigh had never been interested in healing, so their paths never really crossed. They talked once or twice, but not for long. Only during the Blight Wynne became one of her closest friends, a trustee of all the secrets and doubts, even Alistair wasn't aware of some of them.

If the old mage knew that Kayleigh is interested in her old crush she would be alarmed to say at least. She would try to change the young woman's mind for sure, as she tried to do this in the past, but with Alistair. She admitted that she was wrong, but deep inside Kayleigh knew that she was right back then, and told her that during the celebration after the victory in Denerim.

But now it was different! Wasn't it? Kayleigh really hoped it was.